Grey is… REcap – Pre-Ch71: Love and Fear

❖ Note: Because I documented on thoughts on a private channel on discord, it’s like a chat so I formatted like a list.

July 10th at 18:28

  • I think I finished the layout for the whole book.
  • as of right now, the last chapter is 78. so 71-78 and there’s a mini/half chapter midway.
  • I was kinda upset and hopeless about it today in the afternoon, but an hour later, Im back on the desk and it’s arranged itself.
  • nothing is set on stone, but at least I have all the ideas I planned arranged in a nice timeline.
  • a scene from far in the future made its way to this book too surprisingly
  • again, it’s not the final thing, not even a final rough draft.
  • I just know how to start walking now that everything is compartmentalized in front of my eyes.
  • If I feel some chapters got longer or I remembered something that I strangely missed after all this time preparing, I’ll just divide a chapter or add one.
  • 79 does looks like a better number to end the book at.
  • maybe Ill do a beach chapter and reward myself with…
  • what exactly?
  • actual need to master anatomy coz people would be in little and skinny clothing?
  • they can all go skiing
  • or break dancing
  • …. Jad.

July 14th at 14:09

  • I finished writing ch74, we’re at 126 pages at the moment
  • After almost a month of getting back to writing actual manga scenes, and I specify this because I write and sketch and think every day, but sitting down to work on a book is different, and this book specifically needs a lot of mental gymnastics
  • so the thing I realized is that I never noticed the relation between sleep/naps and writing a book in my life.
  • I did notice around 2017-2018 that my migraines lessen a lot when I finish a book
  • but this is the first time I realize how many naps I need in a day when I’m writing.
  • I already had a nap around 11 am and I’m almost falling completely asleep on my desk now as I’m writing this and for the past 30 minutes while I was updating Grey is… over at Global Comix website
  • it just occurred to me that the mental exhaustion I get from writing visually needs a lot of sleep for me to function throughout the day
  • this is the first book I write as a whole in one setting. not chapter by chapter, but thinking of it all as a whole and from one chapter to another without drawing a single line
  • I’m even adding any drawing/visual ideas to the scripts
  • something as tiny as a [panel of Black’s eye close-up] to a whole description of what to show on the spread
  • when I write visually, I write as I watch the scene play in my mind
  • usually by the time I finish writing a chapter, I still have all that I viewed in my head intact
  • but going from one chapter to the next instantly
  • right now
  • I’m kinda afraid that I’ll forget some of the visuals I’ve seen and planned while writing
  • when you draw you dont think, so I might come up with a different arrangement for panels months from now when I start storyboarding and I quite like what I see when I see it so.
  • for example, after writing that Jad/Black scene in the ********* ******
  • I felt emotional throughout the day
  • like when you watch an anime episode of a series you love and had the most heart-triggering turn of events
  • I’ve been like this throughout writing ch7*
  • and throughout planning this book
  • every scene I write notes for, I feel it extremely and from one to the another
  • I’m also afraid I’d forget the feelings for each with time and I don’t want that
  • coz the feelings I feel while writing and sketching every chapter is the most important
  • I pray that the feelings I’m feeling now while writing the whole book stay attached to the book while writing and more so upon release
  • for those feeling to reach you all.
  • I do believe in the piece of soul that is delivered from a creator to the viewer through their creation.

July 14th at 17:18

  • waking up from the nap, I remembered something else sleep-related that is new though.
  • maybe not entirely new because I always said that “ideas come to me from the floor” so it’s only natural that my brain goes “IDEAS” once I put my head down to sleep, however the intensity is very heightened these days
  • every time I drift in snooze world I can physically feel my brain pumping out ideas and I fall asleep anyway but I feel exhausted still while sleeping. a strange thing to explain.
  • what kinda saddens me now, something that I’m not really facing, is that I’m not motivated to draw.
  • yes, my engines are running wild with all new content, something that I felt died in me, but I still feel like there’s a barrier between me and my art station.
  • today I was playing Crisis Core when a scary idea came to me. that I might not be able to find the motivation to draw any more?
  • creating wasn’t the problem to begin with. I took a time off and away not because I wasn’t connected to the story but rather, I see no purpose or point in sharing it.
  • what if I’ll be satisfied and rewarded by just what I’m doing now… writing down the story?
  • what if I end up just drawing the scenes I imagined in their prettiness in my head? but not the whole thing.
  • I still love creating manga and I will.
  • but my problem with the idea of printing the books. the idea of finding a new printer a new proofreader and having no emotional connection with any of the people that has been with me next to Grey is…
  • all that is just too much
  • It’s not fair to the rest of the readers, just like it’s not fair to the story or even to myself who has done so much in the past for the current me that is writing this.
  • but when something dies in you… at times it feels like nothing can resurrect it.
  • Im on top of the world when Im writing and creating.. but once I land, back on the ground… it feels scary and the effort to put into it feels pointless.

4 thoughts on “Grey is… REcap – Pre-Ch71: Love and Fear

  1. Creating is not easy and all fun ,it’s a dream yes but I totally understand when you say what’s the point?
    But seeing that for that long you kept doing it and putting your heart and feeling in it ,just so inspiring for us artists and should for you too dee.
    I am looking forward for your feelings to reach me in this book as will just like the previous did 🩶

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