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A story about the heart vs. the mind
I still find White’s wording peculiar, though…what did he really mean when he said “I’m here and I’m here for good”? There’s such a vast difference in being here to do good as opposed to being here permanently in place, forever. I like to think of it as the latter…thinking otherwise is going to bring more turmoil
This part scares me. The first time I read this, I interpreted it as White secretly hating Black and wanting to cut ties with him after “fixing” him, so he can move on with his life without feeling guilty (I don’t know why I interpreted it this way, but perhaps it’s because of how I have had this thing in my head where I think that even my friends and family hate me, or see me as a burden. Thankfully I have learned that those were just fearful thoughts of mine that needed to be banished, because my friends don’t think anywhere near as badly of me as I think of myself)…Now I see it as White wanting to disappear from people’s lives not because he hates them for getting him caught up in so much stuff, but because he hates himself…
I’m noticing White’s depression a lot more reading this for a second time (I guess I just gulped down all the chapters so fast the first time around that I didn’t allow myself much time to mull over all the little details you have put into this), and now I’m very concerned for his mental well being. The scariest part is that he keeps it all to himself and distances himself from others. I’m wondering if the whole discussion of White “leaving” here means he’s going to disappear from people’s lives only to live as an empty husk of a human being…or if this is a hint that he’s suicidal (whether he has considered it or not, I don’t know…and I haven’t read Volume 7 yet, though I really want to buy it).
Either way, I’m worried about White. Why does my heart hurt so much for these fictional boys. I guess the characters in this series just…feel so real.
Anyway, if anyone reading this relates to White (or Black!), please, PLEASE don’t do this on your own. There is hope. I’m telling you as someone who has been through some inner turmoil myself. Please reach out to others and hold onto hope with all you’ve got, because hope is such a powerful thing. And when you do start to get through this (it may take years of patience, but it’s worth it), you will be especially equipped with both empathy and first-hand experience (that’s a lot of E’s) to help others going through similar struggles, and you can then give them the strength and inspiration to pull through, just as I’m sure Dee is doing through this series.
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